Sasuke's Intervention
by FluffyWithAGun
Summary: Sasuke has simply become too much of a whore for everyone to take, So an Intervention has taken place. No Lemons, slight Yaoi. This is a CRACK, it's meant for humor. Forgive all the errors, it was a rushed one-shot.


Sasuke's Intervention

The door opened, revealing a room full of very unhappy looking men. Sasuke looked around at each face, very confused.

"What's going on?" He asked somewhat nervously, before trying to back out of the room, only to be stopped by his brother.

"Sasuke, cooperate or die." Itachi says, glaring menacingly and shoving Sasuke into one of the two only empty seats.

As Itachi plopped down next to him, and crossed his girly little legs, he looked over and nodded to Kakashi who was seated behind a big ol' desk, looking stoned and bored as usual, porno seemingly not in sight.

A throat was cleared somewhere in the room, catching the copy ninjas attention. He too, cleared his manly man throat, and laced his fingers together and rested his chin on his hands.

"Sasuke, it has come to our attention that you have a serious problem." He said.

"If you guys call me emo one more time I swear to God-"

"IT'S JASHIN YOU LITTLE FUCK!" Hidan interrupted, yelling as always.

"Whatever.." Sasuke continued, "If you call me emo again I'll go into the bathroom and slit my wrists so bad, you'll all feel like total asshats." He smiled smugly, crossing his arms like a bitch.

Everyone collectively rolled their eyes, how emo of him to say that…

"That's not it. But you are emo, stop denying it." Kakashi boredly stated, flopping back into his big fancy office chair.

"We're here because we care about you and we think that your choices are starting to affect your and everyone else's life, un."

"What do you mean Deidei?" Sasuke asked coyly.

"What he means is you're a Jashin damned little whore." Hidan stated, unusually calmly.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and attempted to stand so he could leave. Itachi grabbed him by the ass off his pants and pulled him back down.

"Sasuke, sit."

"Itachi it's your fault I'm a whore! Just look at you!" He squealed like a little bitch, "You all have no room to talk, I'm pretty sure everyone in here has been in everyone else's asshole at one point in time! You're all just as whorey as me! Especially Deidara!"

"SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!" Hidan yelled, again.

"Hidan, stay calm, this is a friendly atmosphere. Now, I would like to go around the room and let everyone explain to you how your choices have affected them. Itachi, why don't you start?"

Itachi nodded before violently yanking Sasuke into his lap, petting his head like a kitty. "Sasuke, do you realize how much I .." He forced a fake tear, because he's fucking sensitive like that. "Care about you? I worry about constantly, I'm always scared I'll get a phone call, and they're going to tell me they found you dead in a ditch!" He said, fondling his balls through his pants and fake crying.

"Tachi, you have a boner." Sasuke stated plainly.

"I do too." Said a voice from somewhere in the room.

"And anyways, we've fucked in a ditch plenty of times! It's not my fault you use your stupid mangekyou on me every damn time!"

"Shut up." Itachi said, slapping his cheek lightly.

Sasuke blushed, and squirmed in his older brother's lap.

"Careful Tachi, you know he likes being hit." Said Sasori, smoking a huuuge doobie in the corner.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT?"

"None of your business. And you can't have any." Sasori turned more toward the corner, protecting his precious weed.

"Like fucking balls I can't have any!"

"Hidan-kun! Leave Danna alone, un!" Deidara yelled, getting tears in his eyes. "Sasori-koi, can I have some?"

"Sure love. You have to come get it though."

Deidara skipped merrily over and plopped onto Sasori's lap, taking a few puffs of the huge joint with his arms wrapped around his lover.

"I'M GONNA FUCKING PUKE…"

"Anyway, who wants to go next?" Kakashi asked, pulling out a cigarette, his face strangely red and sweaty.

"Wait, Where'd Sasuke go?"

"NOWHERE! HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM." Kakashi answered quickly. A little… too quickly.

"Kaka-senpai, is that a cat in your lap?" Tobi giggled.

Just then loud thud was heard, followed by Sasuke yelling a profanity. Then Kakashi scooting back, naked from the waist down, and everyone got a boner as the little whore crawled out from under the desk.

Then, they had to take a five hour break while everyone took turns raping Sasuke to get rid of their stiffys.

After they'd reconvened, filtering back into the room one by one, each putting back on some article of clothing, except Mister whore himself, who was being carried by Itachi because he was unconscious. And also naked.

"Someone throw some water on him or something." Kakuzu muttered, counting his money for some reason.

Hidan walked over and slapped the shit out of him while being death glared by Itachi. Hidan just smiled sarcastically back, "Oh you know he fucking loves it." And then he slapped Itachi too, who couldn't help but moan.

Then Hidan grabbed Sasuke and threw him to someone else and started eating Itachi's face, while everyone else watched in awe, trying to hide their god damn boners, which they were all getting a little tired of, because of the chafing.

"Itachi, get your dirty whore mouth off Hidan!" Kakuzu exclaimed, shaking his fist.

"Oh you get him whenever you want, just shut up." Itachi replied, in between lip smacking. "Kisame always bitches and whines when this happens, so fuck off."

"Oh yea, talk dirty you bitch!" Hidan mumbled.

"Actually.." Kakashi interrupted, palming his boner. "Where is Kisame?"

Everyone turned as Itachi pointed to the corner, where sat the shark ninja, curled into the fetal position and rocking himself. As he noticed all the stared, he opened shark mouth and hissed at everyone, doing that twitchy crackwhore thing with his hands.

"THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!" Yelled Hidan, who had been too creeped out by Kisame to continue their tonselhockey.

"I tsukuyomi'd him so he'd stop fucking whining. He now thinks he's a deranged cat-squirrel."

Hidan quickly got off his lap, totally weirded out, and cuddled up with Kakuzu over wherever the hell Kakuzu was sitting.

Kisame started shaking violently and fell on the ground, foaming from the mouth, and Itachi sighed. "He never lets me have any fun.." He said, getting up and sauntering over to give Kisame a swift kick in the face. Kisame came back to the normal people world, and started crying.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! I hate you! Why would you do that to me! I thought you loved me!" He cried, "But no, you're just a dirty little slut like your brother!"

"Oh hush. You're fine." Itachi replied coolly.

"YOU MADE ME THING I WAS A RETARDED CAT-SQUIRREL FOR THREE HOURS YOU DICKWIPE!" Kisame wailed, running from the room.

Itachi sighed and followed him, "I'll be right back, BITCHES!"

There was an awkward silence, another throat was cleared, and Kakashi broke the silence again. "Naruto, since he landed in your lap, why don't you wake him up and tell him whatever the hell you wanna tell him." He then pulled out his porno and drifted off into Hentai-yaoi land. Where all his dreams could come true.

"Well..." Naruto said quietly, kind of totally freaked out by all the shit that just happened. "Sasuke, can you hear me?" He shook him gently, the first gentle thing that's happened to the little bitchwhore all night.

"Yes, loser." He replied, still naked.

"Sasuke, are you really a dirty whore?" He asked, looking deep into his eyes.

"Duh." He shrugged.

Then Naruto threw him like a hot potato to someone else and ran bawling from the room, like a bitch, farting as he went.

Gaara squealed with excitement as naked Sasuke flopped into his lap. Being really flamer for some reason. Then he raised his hand like he was in fucking school or some shit. "Does this mean is my turn?"

Kakashi nodded, and flipped him off.

Gaara shrugged and started flapping his fat mouth, even though he's a skinny little slut. "Sasuke, I don't understand how you could just go around and fuck everyone. Like seriously, you got Naruto and your sexy brother who I would totally bang and totally have because he's a slut too, and me. Oh hey, maybe that's why! Cause your brother is a slut, so you wanna be an even bigger slut. I knew it! I figured it out guys! I. figured. It. Outtt. I rock." Then Sasuke was shoved onto the ground as Gaara stood up and did a retarded happy dance because for some reason he's being really weird today. He probably bought some crack from Hidan or some shit.

Then Sasuke slapped the piss out of him, and they started making out.

Then Sai raised his hand, copying Gaara like a douche cause he doesn't know any better, like a two year old or something. "Can I get naked too?"

"Only Sasuke can be naked, un. The biggest whore wins. Oh and Itachi can too."

"Deidei you're a whore, get naked." Said Pein, who hadn't said anything until just now and was whacking off or something over in the shadows.

So Sai flipped them all off and got naked. Deidara also tried to, but Sasori stopped him, cause he's a selfish stoner puppet with a wooden dildo dick.

Sasuke turned to him and held his hands up like WHAT? All challenging and shit. "What bitch? You wanna fight me bitch?"

Sai just stood there like a tard, cause he doesn't understand shit.

"Oh hell no, Neji, hold my eerrangs, it's bout to get fucking crazy up in this bitch!"

Neji just stared boredly as usual at Sasuke, "You don't have earrings, you homo."

"You're a homo too, broseph." Said Shikamaru.

"Who the fuck done went and said that?" Neji exclaimed, like a weirdass redneck.

"You're sitting in my lap bro." Shikamaru replied.

Neji just glared at him, and then they started making out too.

Meanwhile, Sasuke leaped across the open space between him and naked Sai, and started helicoptering him with his weiner. Sai was totally shocked for a moment, and then started doing the same thing, cause he's retarded and doesn't know how to do anything. Ever.

Then, they got tangled, and had to call Kisame back in to spit water on their ding-a-lings so they could get free.

Itachi followed Kisame back into the room, his shirt all ripped, blood dripping from a suspicious neck wound, and his hair all messed up, which is very un-Itachi-like. Kisame had a black eye, and scratch marks down his back. By the way, he wasn't wearing a shirt, obviously, or else you couldn't see the scratches. Dumbass.

"Did you have a good fuck?" Asked Hidan, still being all weirdly cuddly with Kuzu.

"No! He's a jerk! And a cheater! THIS IS WHY I'M GONNA MARRY VERONICA! On a mountain top, with flutes playing, and trombones. And there's gonna be fresh-cut herbs, and flowers! AND WE WILL DANCE! Until the sun rises! And our children will form a family band, and we'll tour the countryside, and YOU WON'T BE INVITED!" Kisame uncharacteristically screamed in Itachi's face.

( Reference to this vid-http:/ .com/ watch?v=tBOdWYB67vY&feature=related )

"Shut up Kisame, she's a fucking goldfish, she doesn't love you." Itachi said meanly.

And Kisame gasped and looked at him as if he'd ripped off his shark penis'. "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT!" Then he slapped him gaily across the face. "SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN YOU DO, YOU WHORE-CHEATER-BITCH! " And then he ran out crying, again. Pussy.

Itachi shrugged and decided not to follow him this time, he could be consoled by his goldfish, in his ass. Or something. Then he grabbed Sasuke and sat down again, petting his wee-wee.

Then Zetsu suddenly fell off the ceiling where he was being a creeper and screamed like a madman. "GONOREA BITCH!" And then he scuttled out of the room, like a crab.

"Okay, goddammit." Kakashi said loudly.

"IT'S FUCKING DAMN JASHIN YOU ASSMUNCH MOTHERFUCKER WHORE SLUT!" Hidan screamed his sexy little face off.

"Shut the hell up you albino freak." Kakashi said, "Back to the damn topic. Who wants to go next?"

Hidan pouted on Kakuzu's lap before making out with him.

"I'll go yo!" Said a little white haired, sharp-toothed dude.

"Okay Suigetsu, go ahead, and don't fucking get distracted again." Kakashi said angrily.

"Sasuke honey, come sit of daddy's lap!" Suigetsu said, patting his leg.

Sasuke looked at Itachi quizzically, and Itachi nodded, even though he was pissed and wanted to fuck that bitch up. Just kidding he just wanted to fuck him. Hardcore.

So Sasuke went and sat on his pimp's lap, cause Suigetsu's the shit and pay the bills ever since Kakuzu went and died, like a whore, and somehow came back to life just for this meeting. It was magical.

Anyways, Suigetsu started braiding Sasuke's hair. "Now Sasuke, you realize you need to start fucking charging people for the services you provide to them, or I'm gonna have to eat your face."

"I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT!" Said Lee, that weirdass eyebrow freak.

"I thought we weren't inviting that weirdass." Said Sasori, lighting up another blunt.

"Bitch you don't know me!" Lee cried, tears in his eyes. And Gaara went over and comforted him, and then they went to join Pein in the shadows to totally do it, without being disturbed. With no lube, cause they're fucking weird like that. Pein was just like, whoa. And came and sat with everyone else, cause they freak him right the fuck out.

Then Sasuke finally spoke up, "Suigetsu, I'm not a whore, I'm a slut. Huuuge difference, bitchface."

And then Suigetsu got all pissed and slapped him, but that just gave him a boner, and they made out. Like everyone else was fucking doing.

"SOMEONE ELSE FUCKING TELL SASUKE WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT HIS WHORINESS, BEFORE I JUST FUCKING LEAVE." Kakashi said loudly.

"Why don't you, Kaka-sensei." Said, fucking Kiba, who was doing some weird shit with Akamaru.

"Kiba you sick fuck, stop that. We're gay, not animal rapists. Beastiality is NOT cool man." Kakashi replied, and flipped him off. "But anyway, I'm the damn counselor, so I don't have to say shit. So someone start talking or I'll go kung-fu on yo ass, bitch."

" I'll talk about ." Said that creepy ass motherfucking snake bitch ass whore, Orochimaru, while trying to lick Itachi with his weirdass fucking snake tongue thingy. "Ssssssssssssasuke. You've have buttsssssssecks with everyone elssssssssssssse, but not me. Why not? I can't be loving, or rough. Whatever you want, I'm a goddamn Ssssssssssannin you know. And Itachi can come too. We can all be together. Happy."

"Get your nasty tongue away from me before I rip it out and feed it to Zetsu, you sick fucker." Itachi said slapping gaily at Orochimaru's freak tongue.

Then at the mention of his name, Zetsu appeared, all creeper like, poking his head out of the wall, "GONOREA!" he squawked, like a god damn penguin. And everyone rolled their eyes, cause that's like the only fucking word he knows.

And then Hidan randomly stood up, with epic music coming out of nowhere, and his hand held high in the air like a broadway singer. And, he began singing!

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A DINOSAUR, JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUUUCK? OH MY FUCKING GOD, FUCKING DINOSAURS, HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK?"

And as he sang, a raptor of some sort slowly rose from the fog that mysteriously appeared on the ground, it was…just beautiful.

( Reference to this video- .com/ watch?v= WitFf06hJBs )

Itachi tried as hard as he could not to laugh, but it forced it's way out anyway, through his nose. And Itachi singlehandedly became the world's most powerful snot cannon, blasting everyone with a thick layer of SNOT!

"OH MY GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME?" He cried, holding his hands over his nose and sounding all stuffed up or some shit.

And everyone else was just like, WTF mate? And started barfing, which Zetsu came in and ate, along with all the boogers. And that just made everyone barf more, which he just continued to eat. And left, like a bitch.

The dinosaur, meanwhile, looked around the room and slowly made it's way over to Sasuke, and squawked right in his fucking dirty whore face! And Sasuke was all like, "Oh hell no bitch, Neji, hold my god damn errangs again."

But Neji was too busy getting screwed. So he handed his non-existant errangs to Itachi, who put them on. And got up, and danced around, like an awesome.

The dinosaur started to lick Sasuke's face, and he was like, "Oh that's cute, and feels like fucking, Suigetsu's tounge." And so he decided to keep him as a pet.

But Hidan got all pissed off and took his dinosaur back, and told Sasuke to go suck his own dick. Which Sasuke tried, but couldn't do cause he hadn't reached that level of whoriness yet.

"WELL THIS IS FUCKING USELESS!" Kakashi bellowed, slamming his fist on himself for some weirdass reason, instead of the desk. "This is a complete fucking waste of my day. You can all rot in a shit covered hamburger and suck on Orochimaru's nasty ass dick for all I care! I'm fucking leaving!"

And He left. Then everyone else got naked, and totally did it.

It was an orgy of wonderful rainbowey magic.

The end.


End file.
